A conflicted mind
by Alexia C
Summary: This takes place inside McGowan's head (Flint) after the event between Thomas, Miranda, Sir Edward and him in the Hamilton's house. Please read and if you liked it, review :) Sorry for the spelling/grammar mistakes.


**_Hello - this is the first fan fiction I have done for other than Jane Eyre - it's set in Flint's mind (McGowan) when he's debating what happened between him and Thomas for the first time._**

 ** _Reviews are welcome, sorry for the spelling and grammar mistakes._**

Good God what have I done? I have ruined myself, my honour, my family and everything that I have struggled to accomplish.

I'm glad my parents are dead, and no relative of mine remains. At least I can spare them the shame, the shame that I have brought upon them.

But, at the same time, I feel like I never felt before. A whole new world has been opened in front of me, and it's beautiful, but fearsome for what it may come with it.

I must fight this feeling that is haunting me right now, and that I'm hoping will go away and make the man I was before I felt like this. I feel as helpless and confused as a child, the security in myself, in who I am, completely gone.

I keep telling myself, that one thing is to have an affair with a married woman, a complete, and perverted different thing, is to do so with a man, a married man. And that woman's husband for God's sake!

Miranda and me, I know I feel something for her, other than sheer lust and attraction, I know we share something, although I'm not quite sure what it may be. But Thomas… Thomas and me… oh God, help me!

I've never met somebody quite like him. So correct, so intelligent, so moral! His ideas are astounding to say the least, his mind is sound and ideas are _avant-garde_. His way of thinking is different from any other men I have ever encountered in my entire life, almost as if he'd come from a different time, where conventions are different from our times. I can simply define him with one word: remarkable.

When he speaks, I can't help but to feel amazed, and intrigued. When I think he's saying something that sounds too fantastic, he shares his reasons to think that way, and all of the sudden, everything seems possible, all doubts fade away. Some people call him a "dreamer"; I call him a visionary.

But tonight… when I shouted at his father and asked him to leave, well... I couldn't control myself. I couldn't tolerate to hear how that old man was disqualifying and undermining Thomas' ideas just because he didn't agree with him, just because he was too narrow minded to admit something so revolutionary could actually work. Stupid old man.

When I asked him to step out, out of his own house, I thought that'd be the end of me. It has always been a fault of mine, to have a temper that is hard to control. It has brought me my share of problems with my superiors, but thank Providence I've been clever enough to maneuver my way out of trouble. This time, I believed my luck had been tried too many times and had been worn out.

But Thomas… instead of challenging me, to defy me… well, not only he supported me, not only he stood by my side…he kissed me. And at first, I didn't know what the bloody hell he was doing. I had never seen him before under that light, I always thought of him as a grand man, a great gentleman capable of achieving the incredible, but never as a… And I never thought he was that kind of man, and I certainly never thought of myself as that kind of man either.

And the part that distresses me the most, is that I didn't stop him. I should have shoved him away, pushed him back, but instead, I kissed him back. A man. I kissed a man back. I don't think I will ever have the courage to look at him in the eyes, or look at myself in the mirror. Whatever possessed me to have done that? But I couldn't do otherwise, my head was not in control of my limbs, I had no idea what was happening, and what I was doing.

He knew about Miranda and me, and he didn't care, he still came to me. Miranda watched. She didn't seem surprised, nor shocked. She seemed calmed, as if she knew this was going to happen all along.

What kind of game is this? What has happened to me? Why is my brain tormented with guilt and shame, but my heart burning with passion and curiosity?

I don't know what to do… If I leave his service, I will surely be discharged from the Royal Navy for deserting a mission, for Thomas and his arrangements to bring peace to New Providence are my entrusted mission. But if I stay with the Hamilton's any longer, I'm afraid I will walk down a path that has no return, and the outcome will be disastrous.

This is wrong, it's perverse, it's sinful, it's all that our religion, our upbringing, our very nature is against. A man and a woman is sanctified by God, and under the sacrament of marriage. Miranda is a married woman, I'm her lover, but even that is not as wicked as being Thomas Hamilton's lover! If people find out, I fear the worse would happen. I care about Thomas too much to let this go any further. If the truth comes out, Thomas will be in terrible danger, after all, his father is one of the most powerful men in the Kingdom, and I'm sure he will die before he let anybody stain his family's name, even if that somebody is his own son.

Miranda will also be in terrible peril, she already bears a reputation of being unfaithful to Thomas, and she is, with me. Or has been, with other men. If she is also involved in this, she will surely suffer terrible consequences.

As for me? Well, I'm nobody. I'm just a sailor who has had luck, and yes with effort and work, has achieved to be noticed as one of the rising figures in the Royal Navy. But I have no powerful friends or patrons, my parents were peasants, I have no family at all. Nobody will miss me if I'm killed.

I must put an end to this before it even begins, I'm sure if I let it happen, nor I, or anybody will be able to stop it. It doesn't matter if my heart will never know who I truly am, or what I truly want, I can't risk them, or myself, because of this possible liaison.

I'm sure I won't be able to remain under Thomas' service and pretend this never happened. I just can't. Not now that I have been shown something extraordinary and frightening at the same time. My heart will always push me to discover more, and I am afraid if I remain more time close to him, the world as I know it will disappear.

So, the solution must be simple in paper, but devastating in for my soul. I must go to the Hamilton's house tomorrow, and asked to be discharged. I must go back to the sea, where I belong, and forget all about Miranda, and especially about Thomas. And to the devil with my feelings, and my wishes. This is what happens for acting so foolish and reckless, and not keeping my distance with these people. I must pay the price for my imprudence, a high and painful price, but there is no choice.

James McGowan.


End file.
